If I had a blog this is what I would write

I was supposed to be brave and quit Facebook in 2011. Why does it take bravery to quit reading about other people’s lives and start writing about my life? I don’t know but today I decided that I am brave.

I’m usually afraid of heights, sickness, and what people think. Ferris wheels, nursing school, and writing a blog are all pretty good cures. Mix in some amazing grace and 2011 is looking good.

They say you need a theme to be a truly successful blogger. I’m pretty sure you also need a Facebook to be able to post “go look at my blog” profiles. I have neither. I’m just pretty sure I have some things to say about this fight of life.

We’ll see what comes up. For now, this is something I wrote to end 2010.

This year so far.

I thought 27 would be important. I’m fortunate to have a birthday the day after the rest of the world starts a new year. I start fresh. Everyone writes down a list of resolutions. I write down what my new age will be filled with. I write my prayers and my goals.

This year I said the only thing I wanted was for my mom to be healed. That hasn’t happened. But the year is not over yet either.

I thought 27 would bring a big change. Since I’m a single girl, I naturally thought this might mean marriage. What God really meant was a new life calling that combined my gifts, talents, and experiences into one heck of a challenge. And I have more peace than I’ve ever had with my life direction. Becoming a Nurse Practitioner sounded too ambitious for my personality. I told my dad last May that I would settle for a two-year nursing degree. He asked why. I said I don’t know. He said “go big”. So a year of receptionist work by day and science classes by night later, a University of Hawaii graduate assistant calls me and everything changes. I was one of 30 chosen out of over 200 for an accelerated Masters of Science in Nursing degree program. I’m a Linguistics major with a background in shrimp companies, public school teaching, and coffee shops. I knew right away I was right in the middle of God’s plan. I’ve never felt so confident in my life.

I thought 27 meant I would have some things figured out. In some ways, I have. I figured out that God answers back even when I cuss in my prayers. I figured out that God is good even when I can’t see the evidence. I figured out that I am not allowed to say what I think at any moment and call it ‘passion for life’. Sometimes it’s just mean. And I figured out that crying is OK if I give myself a time limit.

But there is much more that I simply do not have figured out. Why don’t people get healed when the prayer is offered in faith? Why do people stop going to a church full of friends? Why am I afraid of weird things? Why can’t I keep a secret and WHY can’t I show some self-control and just stop talking? Why is life so much harder than I ever thought it would be? I’ve come up with a lot of answers for these questions this year. But somehow the answers haven’t solved the problems. And now, I’m pretty sure that just having answers is never going to solve the problems.

I thought 27 would be a big deal and it has been. I’ve decided I trust God more than I trust prayers to God. I trust his big Person and his Presence more than I trust his acts or his lack of action. I don’t care what else I see in this life as long as I get to be with him. I want my patients to be healed on my hospital shift and in my future clinic. I want my friends to be saved by the Spirit that is on me and I want my mama dancing at my wedding. And when I go, I want to go singing the praises of my God. But more than ANY of this, I want to be with God here and now. I want to seek this first and then see all of these things added to me. Because God is GOOD like that.

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3 thoughts on “If I had a blog this is what I would write

  1. Ethan says:

    Erin keep it up shayla and I are living proof that the hard times the doubts the fears all get better God does not forsake His children and we are fully expecting Gail to dance at your wedding and when she does we will be right there to see it happen and we can’t wait because God is truely that good

  2. Eb,

    Amen – it is my most passionate cry now.

  3. […] started this blog as a way to stay brave as described here. I am naturally fearful but I don’t like being afraid. God has led me through some scary […]

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