I started reading a book on grief. Then I stopped reading it. I’ve decided that there really isn’t a need to study it at the moment. If you have suggested a book to me, don’t be offended. I might read it one day. But for now I am just going to keep being surprised by every day. Because nothing goes like I think it will. I mean, as my friend Kelly says, let’s get real. Do you need a book to tell you that this whole thing is weird?
Let’s get real, I am a crier. But I haven’t been crying much. The only times it happens is in inconvenient public places like classroom lectures and airplanes or at 3am this morning when I don’t consciously decide to cry. I just wake up doing it. Otherwise I’m feeling like a calm and capable person. That’s new to me.
Let’s get real, the past year has been a year of furious tears and dramatic fallings-apart as I fought through fear of mom’s death, fear of school, fear of marrying the person I was dating at the time. I’m not afraid of those things anymore. I just miss my mom and that’s nothing to fight about. It hurts and I want her back and I’m not fine. I’m just not afraid.
So, that’s the real deal. Grief is a weird animal. But I ain’t gonna study it. I’m just along for the ride.