Let’s get real

I started reading a book on grief. Then I stopped reading it. I’ve decided that there really isn’t a need to study it at the moment. If you have suggested a book to me, don’t be offended. I might read it one day. But for now I am just going to keep being surprised by every day. Because nothing goes like I think it will. I mean, as my friend Kelly says, let’s get real. Do you need a book to tell you that this whole thing is weird?

Let’s get real, I am a crier. But I haven’t been crying much. The only times it happens is in inconvenient public places like classroom lectures and airplanes or at 3am this morning when I don’t consciously decide to cry. I just wake up doing it. Otherwise I’m feeling like a calm and capable person. That’s new to me.

Let’s get real, the past year has been a year of furious tears and dramatic fallings-apart as I fought through fear of mom’s death, fear of school, fear of marrying the person I was dating at the time. I’m not afraid of those things anymore. I just miss my mom and that’s nothing to fight about. It hurts and I want her back and I’m not fine. I’m just not afraid.

So, that’s the real deal. Grief is a weird animal. But I ain’t gonna study it. I’m just along for the ride.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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6 thoughts on “Let’s get real

  1. keri says:

    sister, i love you! i can’t even imagine what it would be like to lose my mom or my dad. i am praying for you and your family!

  2. mumster23 says:

    love love love it. and love you. praying for you & here for you while you ride the wave.

  3. Callie says:

    hey, just discovered your blogging and really loved this post. i especially loved the truth of “… i’m not fine. i’m just not afraid.” because that totally captures how i even still feel a year down the road. when my dad was going through heart attack scares and angioplasty i was afraid of losing him. but after he died, i had nothing to be afraid of anymore. it SUCKED. but i wasn’t afraid. and in many ways fear is far more debilitating than grief.

    the best things i got out of any of those grief books was just a sense of “ok then i guess i’m normal.” so i’ll just affirm for you that no matter what your grief looks like, you’re normal 😉 see? now you don’t have to read all those books 🙂 the most helpful tips were more permissions – to take time for yourself, spend some time in nature, indulge once in a while just for the sake of indulging… you probably know these things already just instinctively, i’m pretty sure i did, but it was still nice (for whatever reason?) for someone else to just confirm that. 🙂

    love you girlie. praying for you too.

  4. […] They told us to spend time with our families and to keep up with friends. That sounds great, but let’s get real, I can do balance. I exercise. I hang with the family. My friends don’t ever forget what I look […]

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