Just Keeping It Real

I started this blog to share life and encourage myself to do it bravely. I hope it encourages you to do it bravely too. But I have a confession to make. Something came up in my life that scared me and I couldn’t write a word. Roger and I want a baby.

We thought that’d be pretty easy. I mean, first comes loves, then comes marriage, now all we need is the baby carriage. We agreed before we got married that we weren’t getting any younger and we wanted an average to above average size family so why wait too long? Sure, I’m in full time graduate school and about to start full time work. Sure, finances are tight. But we put it entirely in God’s hands anyway. Wasn’t that nice of us? And as a month or so went by, I planned my adorable baby blog. I’d announce it with something akin to the photos flooding Facebook these days: baby shoes and chalkboards and what-have-you. But as the next couple of months went by, I got anxious.

I told my sisters and a few friends but didn’t broadcast it because I didn’t want friends to awkwardly avoid the subject of children. Hearing about babies and pregnancies brings HOPE and JOY. Keep those baby shoe photos and chalkboard announcements coming! But honestly, who wants to hear that a couple is “trying”? Ew. And then there is the uncomfortable feeling that as soon as someone knows you want a baby, every day you aren’t pregnant you are failing at being a woman. Pleasant conversations about starting a family and having babies suddenly sound accusatory and insulting.

Loving Friend’s Actual Comment: So are you two going to start a family soon or wait a little while?

What I Hear: Is there something wrong with your 30-year-old uterus or are you too selfish to have children?

Twisted. I know. But I have a feeling this may resonate with someone out there. I have the wonderful blessing of being in a community of loving and supportive friends and family who ask loving and supportive questions.  But when it comes to producing what an entire community is waiting and watching for you to produce, the pressure can be a little mortifying. Just keeping it real.

So as the months have clicked by, I have had several panicky prayer sessions. My husband came to the rescue. He told me in no uncertain terms that we would have a family because that is one of the main reasons God brought us together. He also reminded me that God was entirely in control and knows the timing of our family perfectly.

He helps me stay brave.

He helps me stay brave.

And a few amazing things have changed over the last year. First, I have grown to love and respect my husband more than ever, due in large part to the way he has led me out of fear and into faith. Secondly, the Lord has sharpened our calling as a couple and deepened our desire to serve the Lord in any way he calls us. And I have deep peace with the plans He has for us. Lastly, I have been convicted to write about something pretty tough.  I realized that while I can write about mom’s cancer and death, my struggles and fears, love, engagement, and marriage, when it came to this, I was terrified. I didn’t want to share such a vulnerable fight of faith, a fear of failure in an area that should be so natural. I mean, just take a look around, babies happen! But they aren’t happening quite like we thought they would for us. However, I named the blog eb does life. Not eb fakes life. I can’t shut it down because I’m not producing the perfect results here.

So, let’s be real. Life doesn’t unfold the way Pinterest pins it, the way Instagram chronicles it. It unfolds the way God Almighty says so. If you are fighting to believe today, I am right there with you. If you are afraid to tell people that life isn’t going according to your Twitter feed, just remember what this pastor’s kid just told the whole world.

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16 thoughts on “Just Keeping It Real

  1. Claire K. says:

    I am so sorry to hear of your struggle. We are waiting patiently with Megan and Matt as they also wait for the Lord’s perfect timing for their family to begin. In our early newlywed days Dean and I chose to postpone having chidren for several years. I got very tired of all the pointed questions, too, even though it was my choice. It was also hard for me to watch friends have babies, even though I wasn’t ready. Strange, huh? But as a result, over the years I’ve tried to bite my tongue rather than ask couples when they were going to have babies. It’s their business, not mine! I will be praying for you and am so glad to hear you have peace in this trying and stressful time!

  2. Sara Burns says:

    Great job Erin. I’m so proud of you:)

    Sent from my iPad

  3. Gods timing is in His hands. Love you kiddo and very proud to have you in our family.

  4. Megan - FireWifey says:

    I feel you, girl. I so feel you! It’s been 3 years for me, but I’m finally at peace. The Lord has told me in no uncertain terms that I will have children, and so I am resting in that. Thankfully I have a supportive husband and family, as you do. My mom has been awesome and listened when I wanted to talk, and didn’t push if I didn’t want to. I’ll be praying for you in this season. I love you!

  5. Alyssa T. says:

    Erin you are such an amazing, strong and brave woman. You inspire and encourage me all the time. Gods timing will be perfect!

    I reflect often on this scripture and wanted to share it with you.
    “We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.” Romans 5:3-5

    Xo

  6. Kelly Dwight says:

    Congratulations on trying. I am right there with you. It’s been 2 years and I’ve had a few miscarriages (not to discourage you, I’m just being real too!). But I hear what you’re saying about feeling like you’re not a real woman. The biggest slap in the face for me was Mother’s Day. I would’ve had a baby already if I hadn’t lost mine, but no one called me up or sent me a card to wish me happy Mother’s Day (and why should they?). But it still stung. Then there’s the issue I have with waiting to tell people. I understand the reason, but it’s weird right? If I lose this baby, then no one needs to know- as if I’m ashamed that I miscarried. My comfort, oddly enough, is in the fact that this struggle is universal and has been since the beginning of time. My pain and heartache connects me with every woman who has experienced the same thing before me. If anything, I’m more of a woman now! I’m just taking this day by day and whenever I feel like I’m drowning, I just say “God I trust you with my life” becease we can only control so much of our fertility really.

    • eb does life says:

      Kelly, Thank you so much for sharing this. I am so glad to get the encouragement of people who are in it with me. You are very right, it’s all kind of weird! I am praying for you today.

  7. erin emmalee says:

    1) Seeing activity on your blog is a breath of fresh air. What a blessing to hear about your life, thoughts, struggles, prayers from so far away. THANK YOU for writing!
    2) What a display of courage and faith to have written so vulnerably. Aren’t our deepest hopes and realest fears the most difficult to expose to others? And yet sharing these in community can also be sooooo life giving.
    3) Love you lots, my heart feels for you. Praying praying praying, for peace, encouragement, and that you would feel the Father draw near to you. Xoxo

    • eb does life says:

      Your blog inspires me, fellow NP-NHSC-writer-wife! Oh and the shared name. Goodness, the similarities are endless 🙂 Thanks for your long-distance encouragement and friendship!!

  8. Erin, it took me 4 years for my first baby, and George and I waited 6 years for Brooke’s blessing. I understand it is difficult sometimes to wait on the Lord’s timing but his timing is perfect whereas our timing leaves a bit to be desired at times. Thanks for sharing this blog with us, it makes me feel like we are still a part of the Hawaii family we miss so much. Love you all.

  9. Hey Erin (and Roger!), thanks for posting this. Your blog is always an encouragement to me! I’m praying for you guys, and I know that God is doing something great in you both! Don’t worry about the timing (says the guy worried about a lot of timing issues Ha ha ha!).

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