On Thursday, someone I know killed himself. This person didn’t seem crazy. He faced tragedy three years ago, changed what he thought of God and through a series of methodical and long-term decision-making, ended his life. I can’t stop thinking about this and the fears it has introduced in me. How do you stand firm in truth when everything you thought was sure, is suddenly unsure? This man couldn’t find his way to stand firm. Tonight I feel like my world is plummeting but Oh, Jesus, I am going to cling to truth.
My family is reeling from loss and grief. We are all processing things uniquely and this scares me too because I don’t understand the people I know the best. Rest assured, not a single one of us is suicidal but we are doing some crazy-ass stuff. Like cussing. And talking and crying, needing people and pushing people away, being too honest and lying, running at noon and eating a pan of brownies. And writing blogs. Sara’s having babies but I don’t think that’s her grieving process. I think that was already in the works.
I am afraid that life will not ever be what I thought it would be. I never wanted a career and I am getting one. A big challenging one. I always wanted my mom around and I don’t get her. I wanted everyone safe and happy and close. Life feels anything but those adjectives tonight. It feels unknown, tenuous, and far-flung.
But there is a man I know that preaches the truth no matter what kind of chaos is breaking loose in his life. When he is at the pulpit, he preaches his foundation. He raised me on this foundation and I am not going anywhere come hell or highwater and I think both of those are raging. This week he issued a challenge to forsake normalcy. “If you want to live as few live, you must do as few people do.”
My normalcy had been forcibly taken away but now I have the choice to deal with this as normal people would…or as the brave few would. My dad preaches truth but my dad is not the bedrock of my life. The Jesus he preaches is. I choose to bravely do this life with Jesus and trust him with the people I love. It’s unknown, tenuous, and far-flung but with Jesus as my foundation, I can do what few people do.